Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Hell is My Job
Am I the only person on the planet with a sense of justice? Why are there so many dickwads who do the complete opposite of what's fair?
One guy in my office reads the newspaper most of the day; the rest of the time he's at lunch or reading email. I just want to roll up his USA Today and shove it up his ass until it ruptures his spleen.
There's a fat ugly woman who has a shrill, whiny voice and an even more annoying laugh. The other day she was talking about some guy she met and how if he were a little cuter he'd be dateable. I was so tempted to say, "Who are you to judge other people's appearance, you fat, unfuckable cow?" But I didn't because I'm a corporate slave who puts up with bullshit because I'm afraid of losing my job and becoming homeless. I'm a sell-out who lives in constant fear. Like you. So I put on some headphones one day and listen to a CD while Miss Piggy is rattling everyone's eardrums and wrecking our nerves. She says, "You know, you shouldn't do that because you have to be able to hear when someone needs to talk to you." Can you believe the balls on this irritating bitch? Well, I let loose. "You repulsive, odious hippo, it's only because of your utterly annoying disposition that I have to drown out the world to begin with! Why don't you find work in a capacity that suits you, say, as ballast?" Yes, that's exactly what I said. In my car on the way home.
There's a black woman who not only does nothing, but refuses to do anything. She was hired for no other reason than that she's a minority because our company has racial quotas - thanks, liberal pussies - and she milks it for all it's worth. No one will start firing proceedings because they're afraid of a bogus racial discrimination lawsuit. Thanks again, liberal douche bags. She should be killed because she is beyond useless - she's a detriment: my company pays her $35,000 a year and gets nothing in return. And while I resent her for being the useless bitch that she is, I hate the fuckheads who instituted reverse discrimination in the first place even more.
And then there's my boss. He is the classic Dilbert boss: a suit-wearing, useless pile of human shit. He does nothing, uses buzzwords to try to look important, disappears for hours at a time, and promotes the people he likes most rather than the best performers. And our excuse for a company keeps paying six figures to this pencil-necked prick who has probably never satisfied a woman in his life. Except maybe his sister.
Laziness and complacency go on all over America, and we wonder why other countries are surpassing us in productivity and underselling us. If we would fire nonproductive people on the spot, Asian sweatshops would no longer be a threat because we'd make products and services for a fraction of the cost. 75% of Americans are useless piles of dung; I figured this out using the highly scientific method of dividing the number of people I hate by the number of people I know. So, if we got rid of them, then productivity costs would be - and if you haven't figured this out by now you're one of the worthless turds I'm talking about - a quarter of what they are now.
I hope that I get diagnosed with a terminal disease. Then I'll take my gun and go around killing all the people who deserve it: the assholes in my office, the scumbag drivers who cut me off, and my jerkwad neighbor who parks his oil-leaking pickup in front of my house. And when I do, the press will make me out to be some kind of psychotic murderer, when in reality I actually did society a favor by getting rid of some of its waste products.
You're welcome.
One guy in my office reads the newspaper most of the day; the rest of the time he's at lunch or reading email. I just want to roll up his USA Today and shove it up his ass until it ruptures his spleen.
There's a fat ugly woman who has a shrill, whiny voice and an even more annoying laugh. The other day she was talking about some guy she met and how if he were a little cuter he'd be dateable. I was so tempted to say, "Who are you to judge other people's appearance, you fat, unfuckable cow?" But I didn't because I'm a corporate slave who puts up with bullshit because I'm afraid of losing my job and becoming homeless. I'm a sell-out who lives in constant fear. Like you. So I put on some headphones one day and listen to a CD while Miss Piggy is rattling everyone's eardrums and wrecking our nerves. She says, "You know, you shouldn't do that because you have to be able to hear when someone needs to talk to you." Can you believe the balls on this irritating bitch? Well, I let loose. "You repulsive, odious hippo, it's only because of your utterly annoying disposition that I have to drown out the world to begin with! Why don't you find work in a capacity that suits you, say, as ballast?" Yes, that's exactly what I said. In my car on the way home.
There's a black woman who not only does nothing, but refuses to do anything. She was hired for no other reason than that she's a minority because our company has racial quotas - thanks, liberal pussies - and she milks it for all it's worth. No one will start firing proceedings because they're afraid of a bogus racial discrimination lawsuit. Thanks again, liberal douche bags. She should be killed because she is beyond useless - she's a detriment: my company pays her $35,000 a year and gets nothing in return. And while I resent her for being the useless bitch that she is, I hate the fuckheads who instituted reverse discrimination in the first place even more.
And then there's my boss. He is the classic Dilbert boss: a suit-wearing, useless pile of human shit. He does nothing, uses buzzwords to try to look important, disappears for hours at a time, and promotes the people he likes most rather than the best performers. And our excuse for a company keeps paying six figures to this pencil-necked prick who has probably never satisfied a woman in his life. Except maybe his sister.
Laziness and complacency go on all over America, and we wonder why other countries are surpassing us in productivity and underselling us. If we would fire nonproductive people on the spot, Asian sweatshops would no longer be a threat because we'd make products and services for a fraction of the cost. 75% of Americans are useless piles of dung; I figured this out using the highly scientific method of dividing the number of people I hate by the number of people I know. So, if we got rid of them, then productivity costs would be - and if you haven't figured this out by now you're one of the worthless turds I'm talking about - a quarter of what they are now.
I hope that I get diagnosed with a terminal disease. Then I'll take my gun and go around killing all the people who deserve it: the assholes in my office, the scumbag drivers who cut me off, and my jerkwad neighbor who parks his oil-leaking pickup in front of my house. And when I do, the press will make me out to be some kind of psychotic murderer, when in reality I actually did society a favor by getting rid of some of its waste products.
You're welcome.
