xxanger

That's right - February is National Weddings Month. February also holds other dignified celebrations, such as National Caffeine Addiction Awareness Month, National Cherry Pie Month, North Carolina Sweet Potato Month, Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month, and National Get To Know an Independent Real Estate Broker Month. It's just too much fucking excitement for me to handle.

Anyway, I wrote this entry in honor of National Weddings Month. I hope you like it. Actually I don't give a shit what you think of it.

You know how the typical wedding vows go: "Do you promise to love, honor and cherish..."? I think they should be changed to something more realistic. Consider these possibilities:

For the man:

"Do you promise to anticipate her every need, not just do what she says, but read her mind so she doesn't even have to tell you, because anyone with an ounce of sensitivity shouldn't have to be told, you clueless dickwad?"

"Do you promise, when she asks you if she looks fat, to answer 'No' in a way that sounds at least remotely genuine, even though she reminds you of that joke about rolling in flour?"

"Do you promise to communicate with her by means of something more elaborate than primeval grunts?"

"Do you promise to listen to every word she says, especially the part about picking up winged panty liners, because she really needs them and you know how upset she gets when she has to use Bounty because somebody wasn't paying attention?"

"Do you promise to leave the toilet seat down when you're through pissing, even though it's only fair that if you have to lift it, she should have to lower it, because, well, it really doesn't matter why, just do it, okay?"

For the woman:

"Do you promise to not start a conversation with him when it's a crucial 3rd down situation and his team needs to score because there are only two minutes left and if his team loses he will not only be out $20 but also have to take shit from the guy he lost it to?"

"Do you promise to give him the blowjobs you promise, even if you're tired when it's time to deliver, because he was really looking forward to it and it's the only reason he agreed to visit your fucking relatives in the first place?"

"Do you promise to just get over it when you have a silly little emotional problem instead of complaining to him and expecting him to listen and empathize even when the solution is blatantly obvious?"

"Do you promise to not take three quarters of a fucking hour to get ready to go out when he is sitting on the couch fully dressed and jacketed and anyway you're only going to dinner, not the friggin' Oscars?"

"Do you promise not to criticize him for watching the Three Stooges when you watch American Idol? I mean, at least the Three Stooges are only acting like stupid, clumsy, talentless retards."