xxanger

You know how when someone leaves their job they feel compelled to write a good-bye note in order to exit gracefully? It usually reads something like this:

Dear everyone,

Now that I am leaving the Giftwrapping Department, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for your support. Everyone here has been like family to me, and I regret having to leave. Blah blah blah...

Is it really likely that every single person in the office has been “like family”? Well, I suppose they could, if this person has annoying relatives. I think a more truthful departure message would read something like this:

Hey losers,

I thought this day would never come. Christ this place is a hellhole. I could just quietly leave, but I have so much disdain for most of you that I just have to burn my bridges.

Sandy, you useless pile of doody. I cannot believe a human being can be as stupid as you are. You routinely took hours to perform tasks that my 6th grade cousin could do in five minutes. And you did them wrong, too. It took me ten times as long to review your “work” and correct your mistakes as it would’ve taken me to do it myself.

Bob, your reading newspapers and doing crossword puzzles all day is bad enough; the fact that management hasn’t said anything about it is a disgrace. Have you threatened to go postal if they try to fire you? Or are you giving them hummers every night?

Marcia, I now know your entire life story because I’ve had to hear your personal phone conversations five and a half hours a day for eight years. I know about your three divorces, your four appearances in traffic court, your daughter’s illegitimate child, your son’s arrests, and your mother’s hysterectomy. Once again management has failed miserably, letting you do nothing and get paid for it.

Sam, you should be a bookie. Your betting pools for the Super Bowl, Final Four, World Series and Stanley Cup have been the only things any of you lemmings have done that could be even remotely construed as activity.

Pat, I don’t know what you do with your time because you’re never here. Even when you’re not taking illegitimate sick leave, you’re always out of the office. Not that I miss you. In fact, I’m glad you’re never here so I don’t have to see you not working.

Frank, you ass-kissing fraud. Why management can’t see what a useless suit you are is beyond me. Maybe it’s because they’re all useless suits too, so you fit right in. Schmuck.

Now, you all might be thinking that your slacking off hasn’t hurt me so I shouldn’t say anything. Wrong. Seeing as I have been doing all the work around here, if management would fire the lot of you, that would free up all of your salaries to be paid to me, so I could have been getting seven times what the company has been paying me all this time. And I deserve it too, not only because I’ve carried all of you on my back for eight years, but also because I’ve exercised Herculean self-control in not killing you.